Inner thoughts bang the loudest
Like a drum calling upon a gathering
A bang that cracks the skull seeking to break free
Inner thoughts that excite…
Yet so terrifying
And at most worrisome
Inner thoughts bang so loud they force the body to form movement
Inside my head resides a beast chained by the normalities of humankind
A chained beast - the unstoppable force seeking freedom
My body shakes with anxiety!
Inner thoughts bang the loudest against the walls of my skull
My frail body struggles to hold still…
For it shakes with each loud bang…
My body carries around a head that desires no subjection
My head no longer wishes to accommodate the body…
The body that refuses to take instructions
My body performs duties in a linear pattern…
Functions in a state of the norm
My mind seeks to tap into the unknown!
Inner thoughts so vividly blinding to the mind’s eye
The naked eye no longer exists on the normal realm
Stagnation holds the body glued to the ground
Inner thoughts move through the constraints of time
Inner thoughts deprive sleep
Inner thoughts conflicting with the normality of bodily functions
“You live most of your life inside your head. Make sure it is a nice place to be”
“Your life is the sum of your thoughts”
This is Jenny’s narrative in her words:
The word discipline is said to mean the practice of training people to obey by the rules, and oftentimes, administer punishment to correct disobedience.
The New Year booms with new possibilities, I started the year with a new position at work. But I felt misplaced, numb like I was hopping aimlessly from one place to the next, and each place turns out to be exactly the same as the last. I remember I had a strong longing deep inside with a strong whisper, ‘you have moved around in circles for far too long’, these places are all the same, the only difference is the zeros you collect from your paycheque.
Within a week I found myself at the principal’s office to be corrected for my habitual late coming pattern. It was in that moment, sitting across the table with my superior listening to her talk to me as calmly as she possibly can, with polite mannerism one can master when correcting one’s behaviour. I was afforded the respect one can get when being disciplined, however, it was in that moment that I knew I had to be honest with myself, I was feeling stagnant, rusty but more than anything, I was unhappy. My deepest desires were tormenting me and I was only delaying the process of letting the flower in me blossom. I was conforming to the norm, forcing my mind to perform stale tasks. All I ever wanted was to paint; paint and colour were what made my world brighter. My mind felt caged, incarcerated with fading colours. I was becoming a dog known for its bark with no bite. I wanted to travel the world and explore all colours of the world in every language and with every culture. I wanted to feel the yellow sun on my face but see the orange and red sun as well and quench my thirst, thirst for liberation and exploration. I wanted to fall in love with the world, drink gin, meditate, drink lots of water, greet random people, and just love everything around me. Being entrapped in the four walls of white-collar was not the kind of colours that painted my world brighter.
Passion not utilised burns the soul to the ground leaving the body with a longing that yields unhappiness as a result.